Your Actions Let Others Know They Matter

Have you ever worked with someone who consistently came late to meetings?  Do you have a friend who gets distracted easily – looks at her watch, checks his phone, answers phone calls – when you’re together?  Do you feel important to that person?

We all want to know that we matter.

When our friends, co-workers, and partners follow through on the commitments they make to us, when they’re present in the moment, we feel valued.  Intentionally or not, the message communicated when commitments aren’t kept and when attention isn’t given is that we aren’t important, that we are not a high priority.

While broken promises are typically not personal,
they often feel personal.

How we spend our time is a matter of choice. When we agree to do something/be somewhere, we are giving our word.  Our word is one of the most important things each of us has.  When we consistently don’t fulfill the promises we make, we develop consequences in our relationships – both in terms of how the other person assesses the value you place on the relationship and in terms of developing a perception that you are someone that can’t be counted on or trusted.

It’s inevitable that things come up that interfere with commitments we’ve made.  However, when you make an alternative choice to what you originally agreed to, you are communicating (rightly or wrongly) that the first commitment isn’t as important.  The good news is that there is something you can do to maintain and restore the relationship.  Attending to the change in plans by re-scheduling or explaining the situation can often rectify the situation.  Failure to do so, though, can interfere with trust, particularly when it becomes a common occurrence.

Similarly, if you agree to do tasks and you consistently don’t follow through, you build a reputation as someone who can’t be counted on.  It’s often better not to agree to do something than to leave a promise unfulfilled.  Relationships depend on trust, and following through on your word is fundamental to building trust.

“No” is often more respectful than
agreeing to something that you can’t or don’t fulfill.

Trust not only involves following through on commitments, it also means being present.  It’s challenging to form a trusting relationship with someone who is continually distracted when you’re together.  While the distraction may very well have nothing to do with you, the lack of interest and attention may translate to not caring.

Focusing on the person you are with and being fully present with them communicates that they are important to you.  When you check your watch, text others, pick up the phone, you are communicating to the person you are with that they are less important to you than those who are not with you.  Being present, listening fully, and engaging build trust.

Fulfilling our commitments is about being in integrity.  However, when we don’t fulfill our commitments, we can affect the trust we have with another person.  We each form the view we have of ourselves. Those views are affected, in part, by how others treat us.  Treating others with respect and fulfilling the commitments we make contributes to others recognizing that they matter.  Trust is very difficult to regain, once it is lost.  It’s worth keeping.

The good news is that how we spend our time and the actions we take are all within our control.  It’s useful to make a commitment to yourself about the behaviors you’d like to bring to your relationships.  As you stay focused and true to those commitments, you’ll feel good, your relationships will grow stronger, and you can help those you’re with feel that they matter.

There’s a similarity between giving appreciations, being focused in the moment, and following through on commitments.  They all feel good when you do them and communicate to the other person that they matter.

What’s your experience with people following through on commitments and being present in the moment?

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